How it all began - part 1

I was 17. I was totally in love. I decided to tell what I feel to the boy I loved. Yes it was a male and I was a male. And he was straight. I was not sure wether he was gay or straight.
Actually I tried to tell him what I feel when we were 16. But I didn´t do it because when the moment was right, my phone started ringing.

Ok, so after a year and half I decided to finally tell him about my love. I was in terrible depression that month. And I was afraid that he will cancel our meeting, because he did that plenty of times. But he didn´t cancel it that day. So there we were and I told him. He told me he was straight and that he wouldn´t never love me back. My heart was broken.

                                          Source: https://resources.stuff.co.nz/

I had a plan what I will do if this happen. I decided to kill myself.
Later that afternoon I took a knife and went to my favourite place. There is a very mythical tree close to my city. It looks like there is some magic hidden in it. I decided to stab my heart next to this tree. But I figured out that stab yourself into the heart is not easy. I had to change my plan. I climbed at a column with high voltage wires. I was 30 meters above ground. I have to say that I have a strong fear of hights. But at that moment that fear was gone. So I was on the column. I chanted and watched the sunset. Then I felt like that time is right. I tried to jump. I felt like I did it, but than I saw gold flash all around and I was back on the column. Than I heard voice in my head for the first time. The voice said that I mustn´t die now. Because I am so in love. And that I have to use this love to try change something.

What is schizoaffective disorder/What is my condition

As I said, I have schizzoaffective disorder. It is something like a combitantion of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.
I have diagnosed manic type of this illness. But in recent years I had also problems with depression and anxiety.

                                          Source: https://i.ytimg.com
                                       
I had three episodes of illness. Main symptoms were delusions and mania.
I was full of joy. It is hard to cure this ilness because mania could seem very cool for patient. First two years of my illness I haven´t even believe it is an illness. And do you know what? Sometimes I still believe it is not JUST the ilness. It is very strange state of mind. I felt like I was very close to an understanding of some higher truth.
That states of mind still fascinate me. But now I am much more "normal". I take medication every day and try to live my life like people without mental illness.

New blog

Hi, everyone! Welcome to my blog.

This blog is about my experience with a mental illness. To be concrete with a schizoaffectiove disorder.

Plese forgive me my gramatical mistakes. English is my second language.
What is my first language? Czech! Yes, I am Czech and I live in Czechia. (It´s a country in the middle of Europe). So, on this blog you can read about my experience with a psychiatrical treatment in Czechia.

If you speak czech, you can also read an older version of my blog, where I am still pretty active.
http://zdivocelamysl.blogspot.cz/
By the way, this blog is not translation of the old blog. So content here could be much different.

I hope, that you will like this place. Here we go!

                                          Source: https://www.tyro.com