After first episode

I was so terribly tired! That pills made me zombie. I was sleeping 14 hours a day. It was huge problem!

Other thing I thought was negative was decrease of symbolic thinking. I thouht like somebody stole my super power.

After some time I decided to quit antipsychotics. And lot of people around me thought It was a good idea. They saw that I am not able to function with this medication.

                                          Source: https://img-s-msn-com.akamaized.net

So I stopped take the pills. After some time things got normal again. I was active again. 

But some things was different than before my psychosis episode. I talked about strange stuff that I experienced during the episode. I believed that it was something very important and that I had right.

My disease eventually came back. But there was a long time (cca 8 months) when I was relatively normal.

First Hospitalization - part 2

I was recovering. I still had some delusions. But it was better. After being manic I was suffering post psychosis depression.

My thinking was still symbolic. When I was watching TV it was so cool! Every show had higher meaning.

I talked to some people who were hospitalized with me and made some friends. We talked about mysterious stuff together. We shared some of our delusions. 

I started to be very sleepy because of medication. But doctor thought I was better and so I was released from mental hospital.

I came back home and was going to school again.

                       Source: https://productstewardshipinstitute.files.wordpress.com

First hospitalization - part 1

I don´t rembember well the start of my first hospitalization. I think, first, I was hospitalized in regional mental hospital and then transfered to local mental hospital.

                       Source: https://productstewardshipinstitute.files.wordpress.com

I was in something which was little bit a limbo. First thing I remeber was how I woke up from weird sleepy state. There was one man with same hair colour as my first love and same first name. There was chess figures an two bags. One black and one white. He told me that we could play chess. But I just put whit figures in white bag and black figures to black bag. It´s silly but that´s first thing I remember.

Then I started to talk. People were surprised because haven´t talked for a week.
Then I tried to escape. I am not sure how i did it. I used to think that i did some strange move with door handle from both sides of doors (I put my hand through door window). Later I realised that I could put my hand from window and press the bell. Then a nurse could open the door thinking that it is some visitor. I do not remember that, but it is the most probable explanation.
Way I was escaping from hospital grounds was quite stange. On every crossroad I turned left. I believed that it will lead me to right place.
I somehow got to the riverside. Than a car came to me. It was the man who wanted do play chess with me. He told me to get to the car. I did it. His friend who just was in mental hospital to visit him was driving.
And then he took me back to the mental hospital..

How it all began - part 2

So there was I. On the solid ground after the suicide attempt. First week after that attempt I was full of depression. But then I started to try change my live. I did something strange with my mind. I could get lot of energy only by thinking of my love. Suddenly reality started to change. I was so positive about everything.

But not just it. I started to see some symbols. Everything I was watching or reading had some higher sence. But it was still ok. Some people around me even thought that it was cool.

                                          Source: https://www.123rf.com

I had a feeling that I am able to change the world. I tried to help everybody who I met. I made lot of promises. I was so positive and people around me was too. But then I failed to do everythinkgthat I promised. And people started think that there is something wrong about my behaviour.

Suddenly I was in stress. I heard some voices in my head. They told me that I have to escape. I was looking for some symbols. That symbols led me through my city. Then I went to the forrest.
I believed that civilization will suddenly dissappeard as my voices told me.

It was strange. There was two views which I saw. At on moment I saw some factory which is located near that forest, cottages and another stuff. At another moment every piece of civilazation was gone and there was only nature. These two views was taking turns.

Then I saw only the real view with the factory and other stuff. I decided to go back home.
When I came home, there were police officers. My parrents were worried that I disappeard.
Police officers called an ambulance which toke me right to mental hospital.

How it all began - part 1

I was 17. I was totally in love. I decided to tell what I feel to the boy I loved. Yes it was a male and I was a male. And he was straight. I was not sure wether he was gay or straight.
Actually I tried to tell him what I feel when we were 16. But I didn´t do it because when the moment was right, my phone started ringing.

Ok, so after a year and half I decided to finally tell him about my love. I was in terrible depression that month. And I was afraid that he will cancel our meeting, because he did that plenty of times. But he didn´t cancel it that day. So there we were and I told him. He told me he was straight and that he wouldn´t never love me back. My heart was broken.

                                          Source: https://resources.stuff.co.nz/

I had a plan what I will do if this happen. I decided to kill myself.
Later that afternoon I took a knife and went to my favourite place. There is a very mythical tree close to my city. It looks like there is some magic hidden in it. I decided to stab my heart next to this tree. But I figured out that stab yourself into the heart is not easy. I had to change my plan. I climbed at a column with high voltage wires. I was 30 meters above ground. I have to say that I have a strong fear of hights. But at that moment that fear was gone. So I was on the column. I chanted and watched the sunset. Then I felt like that time is right. I tried to jump. I felt like I did it, but than I saw gold flash all around and I was back on the column. Than I heard voice in my head for the first time. The voice said that I mustn´t die now. Because I am so in love. And that I have to use this love to try change something.

What is schizoaffective disorder/What is my condition

As I said, I have schizzoaffective disorder. It is something like a combitantion of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.
I have diagnosed manic type of this illness. But in recent years I had also problems with depression and anxiety.

                                          Source: https://i.ytimg.com
                                       
I had three episodes of illness. Main symptoms were delusions and mania.
I was full of joy. It is hard to cure this ilness because mania could seem very cool for patient. First two years of my illness I haven´t even believe it is an illness. And do you know what? Sometimes I still believe it is not JUST the ilness. It is very strange state of mind. I felt like I was very close to an understanding of some higher truth.
That states of mind still fascinate me. But now I am much more "normal". I take medication every day and try to live my life like people without mental illness.

New blog

Hi, everyone! Welcome to my blog.

This blog is about my experience with a mental illness. To be concrete with a schizoaffectiove disorder.

Plese forgive me my gramatical mistakes. English is my second language.
What is my first language? Czech! Yes, I am Czech and I live in Czechia. (It´s a country in the middle of Europe). So, on this blog you can read about my experience with a psychiatrical treatment in Czechia.

If you speak czech, you can also read an older version of my blog, where I am still pretty active.
http://zdivocelamysl.blogspot.cz/
By the way, this blog is not translation of the old blog. So content here could be much different.

I hope, that you will like this place. Here we go!

                                          Source: https://www.tyro.com