Second hospitalization - part 2

Today we will look again on my second hospitalization.

Delusions of the others

There were some weird moments during second hospitalisation. For example I talked with some older man about real power of love. We talked about a theory that love will end this world soon and everybody will be happy. I still kinda think about it today. I like this idea.

Another experience from first weeks was with another man. He told me he thought that I had some superpowers because he had been feeling good since the day I had came to that hospital. I believed him because I was constantly trying to shift the world with my feeling of love.

Withdrawal symptoms

After some weeks I was getting normal. I was transfered to another hospital building, where are treated people with less serious conditions. 

Doctors took one of my pills away. It was very addictive pill. Withdrawal symptoms was so bad that I was waking up at 3AM and I was in terrible depression till 7AM when the program of the hospital ward was starting. That four terrible hours I was thinking only about suicide. 

Another love

During next weeks I started to talk with one very friendly man. We were listening Nightwish together. We got very close. We talked about deep feelings. One night after all people left smoking room we started to kiss. I was most beautiful kiss in my life. But soon after that was going to be released from the hospital. He cried night before I left the hospital.  Let´s call this man Bartholomew. I will talk about him again. 

Graduation

During this hospitalisation I passed oral part of graduation. After I came home I passed written part. I don´t know how I passed, but I am proud of it. I was in such a mess months before graduation. I was able to read again only two weeks before oral exam!

                                          Source: https://www.usm.edu

How it all began - part 1

I was 17. I was totally in love. I decided to tell what I feel to the boy I loved. Yes it was a male and I was a male. And he was straight. I was not sure wether he was gay or straight.
Actually I tried to tell him what I feel when we were 16. But I didn´t do it because when the moment was right, my phone started ringing.

Ok, so after a year and half I decided to finally tell him about my love. I was in terrible depression that month. And I was afraid that he will cancel our meeting, because he did that plenty of times. But he didn´t cancel it that day. So there we were and I told him. He told me he was straight and that he wouldn´t never love me back. My heart was broken.

                                          Source: https://resources.stuff.co.nz/

I had a plan what I will do if this happen. I decided to kill myself.
Later that afternoon I took a knife and went to my favourite place. There is a very mythical tree close to my city. It looks like there is some magic hidden in it. I decided to stab my heart next to this tree. But I figured out that stab yourself into the heart is not easy. I had to change my plan. I climbed at a column with high voltage wires. I was 30 meters above ground. I have to say that I have a strong fear of hights. But at that moment that fear was gone. So I was on the column. I chanted and watched the sunset. Then I felt like that time is right. I tried to jump. I felt like I did it, but than I saw gold flash all around and I was back on the column. Than I heard voice in my head for the first time. The voice said that I mustn´t die now. Because I am so in love. And that I have to use this love to try change something.