Between second and third episode

New start

After high school graduation there was a summer which was too long. In September I started to visit university in one big czech city. It was a new start for me.

First, I wast acting differt than in the time of high school. I was hanging out with cool kids. I fell in love with one man. Straight man... 

Visit in mental hospital

In November I visited Bartholomew who was still in the same mental hospital. The day of the visit was totally strange. It started when I got on bus. I felt strong deja vu. Deja vu was even stronger when I came to the city where is located the hospital. 

We went to hospital café. Some man sat next to us. He knew Bartholomew. He was just visiting another friend in this hospital. He looked like John Lennon. It was strange because I was listening Lennon that time. We started to talk. The conversting suddenly became very weird. We both knew that we had strong deja vu. He talked about movie Shutter Island and then we talked about many weird things. He told me "I see you understand many vital things. If you want to know more, come at 14:00 to the park, where we will smoke weed." Then he left.

I wanted to visit the park. But Bartholomew said that it is not a good idea. That it would end up bad.

So I din´t visit the park and came home instead. I watched Shutter Island and was in a strong hype after it.

                                         Source: https://drjudithorloff.com

Sometimes I am remembering this moment. I feel like it was a very impornant crossroad. I think that if I went to the park and smoked weed that I woud have another episode and my life would be different. 

Pills

So I was successfully studying universtity. My psychiatrist reduced the dose of drugs, so I had more energy. It was good part of my life. But I was still looking for some mystical things. And I was still broken hearted. 

Next autumn I had a new roomate. I call him The Cat Magician. He was strange. He had answer to all my questions. He was constantly asking whether I knew where was possible to get weed. One day he finally got weed. And it was it... TO BE CONTINUED

Second hospitalization - part 2

Today we will look again on my second hospitalization.

Delusions of the others

There were some weird moments during second hospitalisation. For example I talked with some older man about real power of love. We talked about a theory that love will end this world soon and everybody will be happy. I still kinda think about it today. I like this idea.

Another experience from first weeks was with another man. He told me he thought that I had some superpowers because he had been feeling good since the day I had came to that hospital. I believed him because I was constantly trying to shift the world with my feeling of love.

Withdrawal symptoms

After some weeks I was getting normal. I was transfered to another hospital building, where are treated people with less serious conditions. 

Doctors took one of my pills away. It was very addictive pill. Withdrawal symptoms was so bad that I was waking up at 3AM and I was in terrible depression till 7AM when the program of the hospital ward was starting. That four terrible hours I was thinking only about suicide. 

Another love

During next weeks I started to talk with one very friendly man. We were listening Nightwish together. We got very close. We talked about deep feelings. One night after all people left smoking room we started to kiss. I was most beautiful kiss in my life. But soon after that was going to be released from the hospital. He cried night before I left the hospital.  Let´s call this man Bartholomew. I will talk about him again. 

Graduation

During this hospitalisation I passed oral part of graduation. After I came home I passed written part. I don´t know how I passed, but I am proud of it. I was in such a mess months before graduation. I was able to read again only two weeks before oral exam!

                                          Source: https://www.usm.edu

Second hospitalization - part 1

Hello, everyone!

Today I am going to tell you something about my second hospitalization in psychiatric hospital.

New pal

One of my earliest memories from second hospitalization is kind of funny. I didn´t know where I was. I went from my room to the corridor. I sat on the bench. Then one man sat next to me. He looked little bit as one of my closest friends. He asked me "Why are you here?" I replied "I thought that It was end of the world." "Oh, It isn´t?" said he. We talked about strange things. Then we talked about music. We decided to sing. But we weren´t able to remember any song. But it was nice to have some company.

                                          Source: https://www.express.co.uk

Some of my delusions

When somebody told me in which city I am, I didn´t belive. I thought it was a prank and that I am still in my hometown. I thouht it is only another building from the hospital complex.

Another delusion is from my first week in this hospital. I felt little bit depressed because I was losing time. My graduation exam was occuring early and I was trapped here. I decided to travel back in time. So I was walking backwards watching clock. It was moving backwards too! At least I thought. My attempt was ruined by male nurse who banned me from running in the corridor. 

Second episode

My first love found girlfriend. I was in total mess. Before their realitionship I was kind a friend of her. After they got togehter, I hated them both. They were kissing each other in a scholl hall. It was terrible for me seeing them every day in love.

                                          Source: https://www.freepik.com

I started to concentrate my energy to shift the reality somehow. And so... I shifted my mind instead.
One night I was seeing some symbols and then I left home after 2 AM. I was rambling through the city, then I took taxi and went to police station to tell the police I had two ID cards. It was true. That week I found a long lost ID card.
I is not problem to found lost ID card and have two of them for a while. Problem is to go to the police after 2AM.
Police called my parents who took me to local mental hospital.

Nurse gave me some white pill after which I fell asleep. I woke up in totally different hospital in city located 120 km (almost 75 miles) from my home. When I found out which day it is I realised that I didn´t remember whole day. Weird!

First Hospitalization - part 2

I was recovering. I still had some delusions. But it was better. After being manic I was suffering post psychosis depression.

My thinking was still symbolic. When I was watching TV it was so cool! Every show had higher meaning.

I talked to some people who were hospitalized with me and made some friends. We talked about mysterious stuff together. We shared some of our delusions. 

I started to be very sleepy because of medication. But doctor thought I was better and so I was released from mental hospital.

I came back home and was going to school again.

                       Source: https://productstewardshipinstitute.files.wordpress.com

First hospitalization - part 1

I don´t rembember well the start of my first hospitalization. I think, first, I was hospitalized in regional mental hospital and then transfered to local mental hospital.

                       Source: https://productstewardshipinstitute.files.wordpress.com

I was in something which was little bit a limbo. First thing I remeber was how I woke up from weird sleepy state. There was one man with same hair colour as my first love and same first name. There was chess figures an two bags. One black and one white. He told me that we could play chess. But I just put whit figures in white bag and black figures to black bag. It´s silly but that´s first thing I remember.

Then I started to talk. People were surprised because haven´t talked for a week.
Then I tried to escape. I am not sure how i did it. I used to think that i did some strange move with door handle from both sides of doors (I put my hand through door window). Later I realised that I could put my hand from window and press the bell. Then a nurse could open the door thinking that it is some visitor. I do not remember that, but it is the most probable explanation.
Way I was escaping from hospital grounds was quite stange. On every crossroad I turned left. I believed that it will lead me to right place.
I somehow got to the riverside. Than a car came to me. It was the man who wanted do play chess with me. He told me to get to the car. I did it. His friend who just was in mental hospital to visit him was driving.
And then he took me back to the mental hospital..

How it all began - part 2

So there was I. On the solid ground after the suicide attempt. First week after that attempt I was full of depression. But then I started to try change my live. I did something strange with my mind. I could get lot of energy only by thinking of my love. Suddenly reality started to change. I was so positive about everything.

But not just it. I started to see some symbols. Everything I was watching or reading had some higher sence. But it was still ok. Some people around me even thought that it was cool.

                                          Source: https://www.123rf.com

I had a feeling that I am able to change the world. I tried to help everybody who I met. I made lot of promises. I was so positive and people around me was too. But then I failed to do everythinkgthat I promised. And people started think that there is something wrong about my behaviour.

Suddenly I was in stress. I heard some voices in my head. They told me that I have to escape. I was looking for some symbols. That symbols led me through my city. Then I went to the forrest.
I believed that civilization will suddenly dissappeard as my voices told me.

It was strange. There was two views which I saw. At on moment I saw some factory which is located near that forest, cottages and another stuff. At another moment every piece of civilazation was gone and there was only nature. These two views was taking turns.

Then I saw only the real view with the factory and other stuff. I decided to go back home.
When I came home, there were police officers. My parrents were worried that I disappeard.
Police officers called an ambulance which toke me right to mental hospital.